Winds n Rocks

q&a

2012-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

is it a sign when you wake up thinking "lord...gimme one good reason why am here..please"...or is it just you being your nagging self?

is it a sign when you break into a grin in the loo at work but can't quite figure out why...or is it just you being your goofy self?

is it a sign when you just don't care what happens next or is it just you being your irresponsible self?

is it a sign when you still think you can do that thing in spite of having burnt your fingers trying it earlier or is it just you being your stubborn self?

is it a sign when you keep asking yourself the same questions over and over again never ever getting answered for them or is it just you being yourself?

and its still 2011...

2011-12-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

i guess when u r an optimist,the sky is the limit for everything, including your goof-ups. so it almost happened(again...) and it was just like nothing ever happened (yet again...) and even then, there's that teeny voice which says "but,maybe....." hmmm...how many more times would you have to have to say it aloud to convince the world (read "self")...that at the core,something is still just whatever it is...no matter how it is being projected or perceived by others.after all the layers of comfort have peeled out,it just comes down to the basics,they either make you or break you. salutes to all those who have it in them to bear it with a grin and put a smile on even their worst encounter. god bless.

another year end?

2011-11-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

and this track keeps saying "all i can do is keep breathing"...hehe...and when i see the space in front of me, i can see the "exit " sign...is that a sign? seriously? so not so long ago i did something am not sure why i did,but it seemed right at the time to do it.cos its what i felt rightly so.so what if it doesnot make sense. and maybe in my head its an obsession. she knows it. he knows it too.but they dare not speak abt it. cos it doesnt make sense. and in our world, we are sppsd to make sense...all the time..mind you.whether right or wrong..be logical. apparently death is an handiwork of the one who has created us all. and then we start wondering if we are all for real. that we can understand each other, the things we speak , the things we say or hear. or write or read or see.or maybe its an illusion we are ready to accept as reality..eh? so yea...as usual i started off with something else...but then the day after whatever sparked this piece..it sunk in..no it actually hit me...in the face..and as usual i took the most visible route...the exit sign did make sense after all.hmm.

@_@

2011-09-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

so..am that phase where i think am ready to "move on...again"...only this time,its not happening,just not happening.and for once,i too am kind of okay with it, i think. maybe its the comfort zone i have gotten so fond of..or maybe its just the age factor. a couple of days back,one of the li'll ones actually refused to believe the number of years this place has put me up with..."but u haven't even done anything!"...she said...hmm..i donno if i have to take that as a compliment...so am goin to let it be.but then u are just as old as u feel..rt? and then nowadays,whats it got to do with anything....sure,we still have our shelf lives for the to-dos...but thats only if we have a to-do list...yea...now that makes me feel worse..votevr.

and it keeps raining,like it or not..._

2011-08-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

and when u think u had it all figured out,there comes the gentle reminder.its there all right,whether u like it or not.

sometimes, u want to do so much that u dont want to do anything cos u know u wont get to do all of it.

yea..i donno,after all these years,how can anyone feel the same stuff,all over again right,doesn't make sense,no...doesn't..but it has that familar feeling which is comforting just cos u know it from somewhere.

pray

2011-06-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

"just pray for everyone's well-being and safety. let nothing bad happen,let nothing bad be happening,let nothing bad have happened"..this is what i say to whoever it is that is listening from wherever....who makes things happen...for reasons known only to them.i donno...i can only keep saying those words...and holding on to that thing which keeps all this happening...

still here..^_^

2011-05-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

one more year and counting...still here...didnt have much to talk about..but then whats new huh...yea...some random and not-so-random stuff over the last year...

promised myself i would pen atleast a page a day.
donno when i stopped putting it all down...i think i just realised or just gave in to the things happening around me..just decided that i wouldn't let it matter anymore. cynical? defeatist? or just at peace finally? i donno which one it is...i think i have stopped overanalysing things...now i just let them be.
so what if ...blah blah blah...
does it make me any less of myself....again..i choose not to dwell on it....nowadays i do that a lot..i push them away....try to "go with the flow".
things happen..of course they do..just cos i decide am goin to close my eyes and ears,..don't think someone's gonna hit the pause button.
and try as hard as i might to ignore it...am bound to be affected by some of it...acceptance..i think i have started to believe more in the concept of that.
accepting things...about me,about those who "matter"....about stuff which might come and bite me someday if i ignore them now.
and its time...my "rational" self tells me to stop and do the next "right" thing...so...yea...god bless.

sometimes there's not much u can do about anything.and u have to just watch things happen.sometimes it just takes chaos to bring in calm,like it or not.sometimes u end up being someone else and just decide to be that way till the going is smooth...its just easier to join them than fight them especially when u dont know who they are.

about "living alone". u are really not alone,its just that you stay alone in your house,sleep alone, eat alone sometimes. and its not all that big a deal as it is made out to be.i want rock n roll...plays one minute...the last kiss the next and bhaja govindam another....:)...who said am alone! oh and u have neighbours...in all their silences and their noises...their lives....u live parts of theirs through your ears and head...yes u do...however hard you try not to.

what do u do when u realise its time...when u are actually in the crossroads...when u know u are goin to be rejected and are ok with it,cos maybe thats what u want but are scared that ur folks might not want that. what do u do when u know thats its not all a joke anymore...that u migt have just have so much time left to do the things u think u hav got to...maybe its ur last chance at something which makes u urself...which maybe defines u...what do u do?

it just depends on ur state of mind..the things u like and dislike....and sometimes ur state of mind just depends on ur likes and dislikes....hmm...

its weird...i start the day by saying.."i dont know what am doin with my life.."...and i do this everyday...hmm

sometimes reality hits u hard,especially when it comes from a person a couple of decades younger than you....

when u come to a stage when u keep doubting yourself and every action that u do...maybe its time to stop and think,understand and do something about it.thats what rationale says.me...i do stuff like popping a pill ,pumping sugar into the body and trying to get in touch with my "other side" or votever its sppsd to be. and then,as predictable as i am, i inevitably am "wronged" by the system and vow to never get into it....till i run out of resources. hmm...right.

am not kidding or saying it just for the effect this time..but i think thats how it feels when your heart actually skips a few beats....hav never ever believed in that phrase or all the others..but is it the same as something in your chest rising up till your throat and just staying there till u are too scared to do or say anything cos something might just explode...no am not exaggarating...am not...but i had to actually pen it down at work to kind of get over the shock of realising it.. and i tried to block myself from what i think is the source but am ,..strangely curious...shit scared at the same time...HELP!

trains...they are romantic n kinda creepy at the same time.

i will never feel the way i feel right now..and i keep asking myself why am hellbent upon living in delusion..but then if you get the most out of alternate reality...whats the harm?

it always happened that way...the glances, the almost muted heys and the oh-so-yea-smiles...:)

raining...

2010-08-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

cliche`s n all....but yes, maybe this is what they mean when they tell u about not knowing what u have till its lost.
has it ever happened that u kind of despised someone so much that at a point u forgot why but knew that all u had to do was harbor negativity for them?
no...it does not help when its all "finally over"...it makes you sick cos you feel relieved instead of feeling otherwise.
and then each day,you know the little things that u had brushed aside will keep haunting you.
karma,they say will make sure u get what u give.

-_-

2009-12-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

the other day, ss asked me how the new place was treating me...if the people were all nice and good to me...three months later,i still believe in my reply 'sometimes,it all just turns out fine if u let yourself trust the people around you'...one thing i am dead sure i wouldn't have done back home.
home..:)...thanks to my folks, p,d ,s and you guys...sanity is still keeping me company...:)...bless you.

@_@

2009-08-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

watched
bungee jumping into (out?) your lives (i don't r'mbr) ....i had a lighter once...i want to learn to sketch...
red doors - loved the dad...always wanted to become a doc...i donno if i have the courage to be any of those characters...
chandni chowk to china...at one point i cried when ak is beaten up by the hat guy after he kills the uncle....and again when he trains for his revenge....i think i will start training again...

its been four months now. no..i haven't yet got a job anywhere. i love listening to music. i know that will not help me get a job.i know writing this or anything else will not help me get a job either. i think i like writing. it doesn't matter who reads it. no,i can't switch to a career in writing. am not a professional writer nor can i become one.i play the guitar. i can play a few chords. a few lines from some tracks i like listening to. no,i can't switch to a career in music. am not a professional musician nor can i become one. but i like playing the guitar. for once it makes sense that the stuff i listen to can also be played by me...feels nice. why do i need a job now? 'cos everyone i know has one.'cos if i get one, some people needn't have to work. these people
have worked enough. i have always asked myself how the people who know stuff know them...who sing stuff know that stuff. the stuff that they sing and say and play makes sense to me. i wonder if they are all peaceful....they seem to be. i left my job. people ask me why i did it. i think i thought it was romantic to do that and go away someplace. no,i did not go anywhere. i stayed here. in the middle of life. i kept asking myself if i had a life then. i did. i decided to step into another side of it. but there was no other side. what u see is what u get..someone said. i thought all those words someone sang might actually be true. they are true...but i know now they are not always true for me. i know i can't sing someone else's song in my life all the time. i know i can't feel someone else's feelings all the time. but then, i know i wasn't sppsd to end up like this. i have been beaten and shunned many times, praised and loved equally.
i have a feeling that my life is like the truman show and that i can step out of it into my real life someday. i know there are people rejoicing someplace and others grieving for their own reasons...i know that is how it ought to be, a cycle of stuff and emotions.
why does it then seem so fake sometimes, all of this...as though we all are playacting? i think babies are the only ones who are actually real. i think i have officially lost it.

there are so many "i's" in this blog . i ought to open my eyes and see the world instead of just seeing me.

what's goin on!

2009-07-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

oh...and taxes.....whatevr!

hmm

2009-05-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

...a decade...full circle...friends...highs..lows...tracks..oh tracks...buses...books...shoes...haircuts...birthdays....trips...photos....eat-outs....thot-i-loved-thees.... steps...lessons..thanks...regrets...games...dairies...hmms....bzzs....donno-Ys....questions...weddings...jeans....jobs...life.....mango delite.....n yea..still think ignorance is bliss...

*

2008-12-21T03:54:00.000-08:00

time..where is it when u need it?...grass is always...blaaah...whyyy...why doesn't reverse psychology work when u want it to work??

inside out...

2008-11-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

just got this collection of tracks that just brings back stuff from way back....(ok,not that wayy back...but yea...)...:)...

aham

2008-11-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

when i wanted to be someone else..i heard someone say that being urself meant being liberated..being true..blah la la...now when i am almost me n don't bother to explain the why or how of it...i hear them say "u'r hiding ur 'true self'...tsk tsk...".. i started doin something yday...racing in wierd terrains against unknowns on my neat little mobile phone...i was thoroughly enjoyin the madness on the road (virtual n real..)last evening...until i got that "u know this might have seemed cool ten years earlier...not now.." look from the two ppl seated next to me...n no..i donno why but it just made feel like a loser that instant...(n yea i did lose in the race btw..)..so much for being liberated..yea votevr...with all the honor killings n what-not goin on...ppl'd rather be themselves only when they are with themselves...
n i didn't understand why verma spoke only about hinduism in his wealth chapter..i thought he was talkin about being indian.. ...hmm i think i will go now..yea..goin..goin..gone..

2008-11-04T10:41:00.000-08:00

n this is..yea..stuff..

pachaak...

2008-11-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

...maybe it never happened..or maybe it did and you chose to put it out of your memory?
...its like the whole thing doesn't even matter anymore...no..i don't know which was first...the realisation that it probably just didn't matter or that it just didn't make me feel the way it used to....
yea..they are both the same ,aren't they?
..yea....well...
sometimes i wonder if thats the reason for u being the way u are...maybe if u hadn't made the choice...
how can we not feel for someone/something that we ought to feel for....and find solace in someone/something who/that doesn't even know you exist?
i donno...but it doesn't seem to qualify for escapism...cos if it were...we wouldn't be sitting here trying to discuss it eh?
naah...its called exactly that...pseudoism of sorts..
yea...maybe...
oh btw u have this thing u had to be somewhere today...
skipped it..
hmm..that phase of urs huh?
i donno what phase this is...i hav lost track of time...
naah..u r just playin the part u think is expected of u..
yea..i guess..my fingers used to hurt...but now i can't even feel them...
silly show off......spare those ears...did u get that call?
naah..votevr.. " i hope u bleed"....lol...what if someone actually told u that
eww...
hehe..i think it was hilarious..
:)...it was kinda...hmm...
i wonder what happened to sasha...hey btw got the mail id!
coolio...am gonna burn those now..ok?
ok..just pick the right ones..
hehe..like it matters!
yea...someday it will...u will see!
..votver! hmm...i thought de wouldn't chicken out...
hmm..well...she did...they all do...if u can't beat them join them...
yea...oh n if i listen to this song once more...i donno what' i'll do!! play something else!!
heehee...laalaaa...
:)....laalaa..if u can't beat them join them...

:)

2008-10-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

third quarter.

2008-07-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

so i stopped doing pretty much everything i'd been doing routinely...for almost three months...naa...i didn't attain enlightenment...state of rest got the better of me...i
was supposed to turn devilish or something according to someone...yea i
guess i did...i donno why but i thought about stuff and felt good about it...didn't question the reality of it all......listening to or watching "soppy" stuff doesn't have to be justified
just cos i don't actually do any of that in my daily life...naa...and
it is ok to read non-bookers and chic(k?)lit (i love chicit..n i don't care if its called that or votevr...) picked up along the roadside with the first twenty pages ripped out / faded...happpens...don't hav to agree to everyone's point
of view....can switch off whenever i want to..and not feel guilty about
it...in that way i am blissfully ignorant and am lovin' it....hmm...zero expectations...minimal effort=whatever the result,exceeded expectations... :)...come to think of it, maybe i did get enlightened by the ennui n all! yea...can't wait to watch hancock...yet to catch the ladies from the city...yep..weekends ought to be planned on what to eat n what to watch or read...

2008-04-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

"....am not sppsd to feel...i forget who i am...i forget...precious baby...utopia....utopia....am what to the world....thats who am...know everything...am superbrave....thats how i made me...precious baby...utopia..utopia....."....no..i did not write this...i couldn't..i can only write what someone else wrote ...it so happens that i hav decided that it was written for me...yea..."u'r soo vain..."...

who's foolin whom..

2008-04-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

yea..as usual i have nothin to write about...i thought i did...but hav drawn a blank now..so..yea...hmm....its that phase where am findin ways n time n energy to do
things i'd rather not have been doin on any other day had i been in the other phase am so used to...in my head all this means something...i need to interpret all this....i need to get what all this actually means...i dropped the soap twice today n i was
like.."well..well..wonder what's in the process of slipping away"....the other day my cell went dead n i couldn't do anythin abt it for two days...n i acted like it i didn't
care but that it actually mattered....n no...it didn't stop anyone's life...n i kept wonderin...."does it mean that if u stop somethin u've been doin all along..it actually doesn't
matter even though u pretend that it does..."....was tryin to get some music today...i couldn't get the tracks i was lookin for ...yea..i skipped work cos i didn't get
my music...n was wonderin.."does it mean that its time for me to stop workin...maybe i shd switch professions..or maybe i should just listen to music ..maybe i should join
a radio station or a club where i could decide what music the "normal" person likes or dislikes n thus give a realistic picture of what actually....."...apparently some
astrologer advised my ma n pa to let me do that n other stuff whenever i wanted to.......which btw they were doin pretty well till he reminded them...hmm.. yea.....votevr...u2 was playin last night as i walked bac home..."walk on.." n "stuck in a moment" played...n i thot some one was tryin to tell me somethin major...something which would change my life...of course the turn of events from then on have pretty much lived up to my imagination....yea...co-incidence..i know...but then sometimes i think maybe its some kinda super power...some kinda
creative visualisation stuff thats happening here.....yea...am so jobless now....ever wonder why we use the word "jobless"...its not actually "without a job"...its sppsd to mean..."being or convincing urself that u r so clueless that you have something "constructive" n "productive" which actually can keep you occupied...."....yea...thats what i think its sppsd to mean....hmm..ok...my knee's hurtin now...yep..."get some exercise" is my brilliant mind's
advice...so..off i go n try to "enlighten" myself with my theories....okie..is it a co-incidence that nirvana is playin now??

ten-thirty..

2008-03-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

wait till the entire query executes...slow here...
did u get chocolates? where's my share?
..but that day u asked us to use this logic..
hav u lost weight??
why do we hav this data..i thought we wanted nulls in here?
what happened to ur hair??
hav u decided what u r looking for yet?
ha...u gained weight na!
this is my ...
why r u at work today?
new fare ma...56 rs=80 rs.
hav u looked into that defect? we need to close it by ....
get off the phone...finish ur dinner..
what abt ur tax returns?
buy a new dress na...something in white!
recession ba...rather be on bench here than ....
any profession will do na? or r u particular?
meeting at 7:30...be there haan!
had ur lunch? dabba na? hehe...what ya..even now dabba huh!
elizabeth arden aa? how much did it cost? aiyyo...fake a?
bench huh?
so...what else?
...n i dreamt of nothing from any of the above or whatever else i hav heard...i dreamt of something else...n am convinced that only that makes sense now n that i want only that to happen ...cos i know its so not goin to happen....

sunday..bloody sunday...

2008-03-23T07:25:00.001-07:00

Q:Calculate the distance covered from point a to point b. Given Data:

point a: home- here

point b:home-there.

Ans

distance covered = point b-pointa?

(naah...me n my maths.....another story...but lets just stick to this for now.)

home=home=>

distance covered = 0...hmmm....

Q.Calculate the time taken to go from point a to point b for the above distance travelled. Assume speed of travel is x km/s.

Ans.

if i stop this n get ready to leave,(point b-point a) / x hrs .....else...i probably never make it to b....so...yea...have a nice weekend!

whatever....

2008-03-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

noticed the difference? we think differently...what rules what...watched two different...yet same stuff this weekend...yea..actually watched that...wanted to feel "normal"....wanted to feel
something..anything...n yea,picked the wrong thing to watch..i know..cos in the end...or maybe somewhere in the middle of it all..ended up feeling even more
empty...hmm..anyways..today,watched something more "conventional"...more us....n ye guess what...yea...thr was something this time...inspite of all the banalities....hmm..sigmund
freud....was tryin to read somethin he apparently had to say about all this while i watched the first one...no...didn't understand a word of it....or maybe i did but chose not to "comprehend"
any of it.....yea...either ways...end result-zilch....back to square one....hmmm....yea...n i emptied all my herscheys.....so...refill time...8 not-my-kind-songs later...9 one running on the background....dal cooking behind me....cloudy sunday...no-one to respond to my ims....ha...is this a sneek peek of how its gonna be if i
don't conform to all thats sppsd to be done normally...in another month i will be on the wrong side of the number others are dreading...y am i reminded of the abcd movies......c yes...n
d..yes...but..definitely not ab....nor a wannabe...oh lord am i turnin into one? y does all this sound so nice all of a sudden...never liked them anyway bac home...how can these remind me of
home then? doesn't make sense! i mean,can it get anymore screwed up? yes it can...overeaction..i think am doin so mch of it that it now seems almost the natural thing to do...maybe i shd approach d balaji guys n ask them to do a soap on all this...somehow i can actually picture my sis tellin me that that was the idea in the first place n so..i did all this...or
maybe i want her to tell that..see whats happenin...its called scripting ur life..right..isn't it called writin ur destiny n stuff...makin ur future...sometimes i wonder if am really a genius cos i
think of all this...(no matter how many millions of others do this too..)..i nver knew i knew all these numbers!wow..i wonder y i always hesitated to take part n antakshari...i kno i kno am too
pig-headed to admit that even i listen to these kinda stuff n maybe actually enjoiy them once in a while...thats called being someone sle..rather tryin to be someone else right? yea...so u
realise u hav almost been someone else when u r sppsd to know who u r n when u r sppsd to be ready to know others now....hmm...would it be an understatement if i said i am easily the
most messed up person in our family right now?no..again..am prbly makin a mountain of a mole-hill...u know somrhow i get he feelin i am tryin to hide somethin when i use such
phrases...."mountain..balah blah"...but how can i hide it...cos its me who thought of it..its me whos writin it..n yea maybe me whos gonna read this...n why would i want to publish it? for
whose joy? to come bac n check if someone had the patience n inclination to get a peek at how mental someone else is??or to come bac two days later n think.."wow,was i so
...whatevr!!"..or check if someone has actually commented n sayto myself.."thank god someone read it!!"...huh? y? yes...i want to listen to lennox now...not that i will find my answers to any
of my rambings...no...i think i hav convinced myself that listenin to others people's thoughts help me think...doesn't that make me "without any thoughts of my own"...but how can that be
possible...rn't we supposed to be thinkin all the time..isn' that what keeps us "alive" ..keeps us "rational"....do i know too many similar sounding...similarly interpreted words...are all my
thoughts just the same one thought being worded differently each time...does that mean that i know n can think of just one thing..on my own? someone suggested counselling for me the
other day...i shd take them seriosly....i know the spellings r all wrong in here...n i sppsdly have a thing for spellings...hav decided that "improper spelling" is a turn-off for me...n i thought i
wasn't shallow..n all that...hmm...yea rt....wonder if i can finally crown myself as the drama queen....hmm..do i get to be honored with more choclates n ballads for that?

time-out

2008-02-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

"walkin on broken ground..." what do u make out of it when u hear somethin like that from someone u have no idea about...what is it called..all this....ha..n am listenin to country huh...if i were anywhere else..i would pine to be here...hmm....so..how do u find what actually makes u feel at home if this keeps happening...how many more "journeys".."trips" do u have to make before u find urself...n y do we always hav to look for answers to questions that don't matter anyway....ever feel like "pretender" ?

huh?

2008-02-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

u watch somethin more than a coupla times to get exactly they r tryin to say....is that dumb or what...watchin it again or not understandin it ? hmm...

-O__O-

2008-01-31T19:08:00.000-08:00

when i was maybe 12-13...appa got pc n me a set of hmm..i donno i remember they were yellow colored books...like the "what-why-where happens" kinda stuff....ma probably read them more than we did.....:)....."why does it snow? " i asked myself today....at work...yea..i dared not open google n check...hmm...sorry pa..u prbly knew a day like this wld come...eh.....hmm...gotta search for those books...cartoons (r they called that or something else? god knows..ok..mebbe even wiki n gooogle n u know)..explaining all kinds of nice stuff...i wonder y they seemed so not interesting then!
.....sambhar rice...chutney powder....'they say misery loveees company...we can start a company n make misery....'....

suddenly monday?

2008-01-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

n the girls grew up...:)...yep......hehe...

n then...-0 0-

2008-01-26T04:50:00.000-08:00

-^-^-^-^-

2008-01-26T03:11:00.000-08:00

...the feeling that u hav stopped feeling cos u didn't want ur feelings to get the better of ur sensibilities... wanting people n things u seemed to care not abt when u could have had them....convinced that irony is the mantra of life...an irony in itself....n posting something like this just cos u woke up in the middle of the night cos u dreamt of a world not as perfect as is.....n not bein convinced by ur own words at the end of all this...ever so ready to review it a million times before lettin the world know that these were the exact thoughts that popped up in ur head as n when u tapped away....rod stewart reminds me of mtv...no...nothin special....but mtv reminds me of school...n duran duran of the pani poori guy and jacks and peanuts comics....i never really understood them then...somehow....time warp....caught in that huh...no idea...i wanna listen to the fairground song now...simply red...awesome...not quite so catchy but ye...what if we lived away all our lives relivin the past even tho nothin "major" happened...as n we r convinced that we don't want to get into the future cos u r not "the plannin kind"...but ye u rconvinced u r the "come-as -it-does-n i will do everythin to change it as i want anyways" kind...ha....rhetoric.....fancy word...ye for me it is....nora jnes reminds me of penuts..yea..somethin i can't quite understand but so yet likeable n easy listening(?)...."what am i to u"...hey doesn't that translate to "hum aapke hain kya"...mebbe she watched the movie n wrote the song...hmm...nice.... n no somehow "bad day" doesn'tr make me feel better....na...ye am driftin...will go now...after marx...ever kept a count of the number of times u got back to the same ol things....its not even called "not lettin go"...its called bein convinced that those things comfort u (even if they were imaginary)...ok..am kinda spookin myself..so am gonna stop...

kick-start....

2008-01-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

someone's watching...:)

2007-12-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

courtesy our dear old google

phew...

2007-12-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

so...i did it last year....n again this year...donno how...or why but takes just 2 mins to humble and enchant me.....and...hoardes of others from literally everywhere...worth the 16 odd km trek....ungodly(?) hours....never ending queues...wierd smells...."the cage".....hmmm....so as they say...sarve sukhino bavanthu....

pempempaapaam....

2007-11-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

hav taken the day off...n i don't know what to do....hav alrdy managed to waste 6 good hours on stuff i didn't want to do in the first place....n now hav managed to get cranky cos i am unable to "work" from home....i want to go out n do nice..mindless things but i won't simply cos am chicken n too damn lazy!!! hmph...n this post deserves me...so muchh for thanksgiving day...someone said i gotta be thankful n spread word abt that....yea.....o k .....
btw...i think this post deserves smalller font...but i did not find it.......hmm...am i nuts..am i..am i...no...
i have to attend two weddings next week...n i don't hav a damn dress!! now..when did i start wearing "dresses" to "weddings" ...hmm...oh lord i am growing OLD...yeaa..
nowadays pizza doesn't taste the same...its different...yea...i will hav pizza now...
but i hav alrdy had my lunch....
err..so?
y am i not able to connect to the damn network ya???
ya?
ya?
yea..not funny...
votevr...
didn't kareena kapoor use that word in some movie??
no!
hehe..yep...
@$^%
lol..i gotta a hyperlink for that...now..is that cool or vot! (no..no ..i changed the spelling...so don't try that...)
i think i shd sleep...
hmm...yeaaa..
yea...
i thot u were goin to write a nice li'll post on ur wonderful friends...from those ever-so- diff backgrounds and talk abt the power of their faiths and confidence and sheer goodness which is so hard to find nowadays?
yea...but then...what the hell...they know that alrdy...so...does it really matter?
hmmm....actually....thanq...all of u...u know who u r...(cliche`d?? who cares!)

gyan..

2007-11-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

workaholic?? uhuh...its gets theraputic after a while....its like u are so tied up in it that u don't have time to feel...neither the brickbats nor the bouquets....but yea...the big question always haunts u-"what does it take to master the art of silent peeing in a public restroom...."...hmmm....

huh?

2007-11-04T08:53:00.001-08:00

5 in the house....2 in a room.unlocked..lights off...1 in a room.unlocked..lights off....1 in a room...unlocked..lights on....1 staring at the door of a room...lights on....locked....from inside.......yea...11:30...no...i don't think i heard anklets.....

color color?

2007-10-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

whoooosh.....

2007-10-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.twistedwhiskers.com/index.html?videoSrc=m02

life...as i know it....heehee....

2007-09-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

2 in the morning....is it only me who isn't snoring...
look whos writing...pity it isn't all that exciting..
rhyming was what i started...pity the final piece got kinda distorted..
blaah blaah blaah....
what do u do when u r stuck in a place where u shouldn't be in the first place?
errr..get outta there?
brilliant..why didn't i think of that....
hmm.....
yea...remind me why are havin this conversation?
umm...cos nobody wants to take ur calls...n u want to raah raah now?
hmm...yea...mebbe...
headache....
sleep....
yea....
night...
night.

2007-09-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

2007-09-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

2007-09-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

~

2007-09-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

is it a journey even if u haven't learnt anything at the end of it? what if we did the same things the same way all the time......that would still amount to existence....rt.....hmm..i read somewhere that we end up not existing tryin to find y we exist....mebbe thats y bein nothin makes so much sense...

words

2007-09-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

half past two...a.m....n all i can do is listen to "words get in the way..."...n ....."whos gonna tell u when its too late....can't go on...thinkin nothin's wrong...whos gonna drive u home tonight..."....hmm....am i still here cos of this or am i not here cos of this?

same old...

2007-09-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

ever wonder why we keep thinking..no..waiting for a good ending...the movies....and by "good" we are like "a happy one..thats what i want"...all smiles,no tears... naah it doesn't happen in real life,does it...uhuh...hey but then the song which follows a sad ending is always better than one which follows a happy ending..yea..i've noticed that..naah..i think i have actually realised and learned that! or does it have something to do with relativity...u know a happy ending..so the brain doesn't really seem to care if its a nice song or not..and automatically qualifies it as a bad song...and if it were a bad..no..sad ending,then something's gotta be good man..says the head...the heart ... whatevr..and the song which follows is good...yea..its so nice..its a consolation...right...moral of the blah blah...if things don't quite go ur way...go play ur song...and it all seems just fine...yea...hmmm.... i wonder y the ocean..the sea...has a dreamy effect on me...hmm...yea it does on so many others i know..what is it abt it that makes us so..i donno..feel so strong abt things?? i donno..its just intense...and calming..all at the same time...am not a water-person...ppl who know me know that but if i ever wanted to be somewhere forevr...i would want to be near the sea...near the sand....yea...but then would i get sea sick cos i was too much with the whole thing...like they say...familiarity breeds contempt..what if that happened...hmm...i wouldn't want that...nope...once c asked me what force of nature i liked the most....n i was like..."huh? what kinda q is that? i donno...hmm...wow...i actually donno...god..i have no connection with nature!! am a zombie!"....(..yea..i do that...drama..am one of those ppl..drama is life..life is drama..no matter how dull it is...)....anyway..and then several months later..i realised when i was all alone..yes..all alone..with nature...(no..no ..am no wordsworth..all thats not for me...)....i actually enjoyed the sea..the water and the wind...but no..no..i did not like rain...uhuh... nah....hmm..yea..why do they call them "forces" of nature...yea..they have the power to make or break life ..i know all that..but there's so much more than just that...i think sometimes they have the power to actually make or break ur mind...yea...i have actually ended up feeling sometimes heady and high by just being there in front of that dark,sometimes roaring....sometimes gurgling mass (somehow the word "mass" doesn't do justice to it..it just makes it seem so lifeless...but its oh so not that....)...at night...(oh..no..i did not have one of those...no..am sure i did not...if is thats what u r thinking..nope..not me...not there..no..)...and at other times just so sure of everything just cos i was there and i could see that the black stretch was actually so sure of everything....yea..they all are na...yea...so..anyways..c,if u r reading this by any remote chance..yea..now i know y u asked me that q... and she says.."i've no money...n no fishin line or sail..."....hmm...nice...

whoopsie!

2007-07-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

hmmm....so am here...with lots of othere like me...unlike me....but yea...am here...:)...will te;; u guys more ...for now..am just glad i can blog....gotta go...ciao....

suddenly sunday...

2007-06-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

...aspiration.....incompetence......indecisiveness....guidance....compromise....comfort...peace....ingratitude.....ou tburst....regret....apology.....forgiveness...regret.....ego...ego...ego....and a dumb post in the hope of ending it all.....it happens again and again....i believe someone said...a fool is one who learns from one's own mistakes but a wise man learns from others' mistakes.....am unique...am neither...i never manage to learn....even though i swear by alanis' "u learn"....i believe someone also said..."..ur biggest flaw is ur ego that says u are right ..".....incompetence....masichism......they are just words...they don't mean anything...they do not undo the hurt...they don't.....what does then....sincere regret and forgiveness?? naah...its all melodrama...it shouldn't happen in our lives...we are no "drama people"....we are "ordinary people living ordinary lives...".....hmm....and we always hope what we do is what we should do......right votevr......i should hav had my quota of gum today.......do they allow us to carry gum ...do they...i hope they do...i honestly think i shldn't go if they don't let me take it....i will flip...and i don't want people i don't want strangers to know i flip.....actually...am hoping i get rejected....yea...i want the easy way out.....am an ordinary person...i do not want to be one of them.....no..no....no....i won't get pineapple cake with cream there....i know i won't get it....the veg ones....i know....i know....i had ma's very own version of american chopseuy last night....i don't want to miss that either....ok...y am i making such a big deal...am not even sure am goin there....but yea...they all want me to go....even i want me to go...but then again...its not home.....not even close to anybody's home and by anybody i mean my anybody....no...why do we have to go there.......why do we have to do all this...its all so fake anyway...its all an illusion anyway....i don't want to go and buy new stuff just for this mockery....yea...am part of it .....and i despise it......but sometimes i secretly enjoy it.....see...even am part of the circus now....no...i never asked for it.....and thats my regret and my whine for the weekend....wooohoooooo...........yea....cos i wrote this....sic....

another wknd...

2007-05-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

the songs play over n over again...almost wherever i go nowadays....and i thought famililarity bred contempt....hmmm...thats a scary thought tho....so true sometimes....i hope it doesn't happpen to anyone i know...am famililar with....touchwood.....or maybe it would be fun after all....whats this world without a li'll cribbing and crying....over nonsensical things na....yea....que sera sera.....(whatever it means....can't care less)....
our family is bound by the tube....we watch that....we sit and do that and eat together....we are all different...different temperments....different moods...different lines of work.....different channels....yea...we all watch different stuff on the box....patiently and impatiently waiting for the other's quota to finish.....its all an unwritten rule...a schedule that we follow and live our lives together....many a time i have wondered what if we just got bored of each other......yea..actually even that happens...and we say ok and move on....i heard someone say the other day..."do not talk about her,she is different....its kinda a compromise..."...and i thought....."..and they try to live it like that? thank god am not one of them...."....yea...am not.....not yet....probably will never be....for now am ok watching those silly things they want to watch....its ok....even if i get bored.....rather that than losing myself for someone who fails to even bore me.....yea...

brrr....naah...i wish...

2007-05-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

hott...where's the rain?why do i have only dark colored clothes? why do i need to wear formals...they stick to mah skin!! why do i have to go to work after 9:00??why do i have to get outta the house???? why do i have to have dinner or lunch?? why can't i jut live on ice cream and juice and cold cofeee????why can't i zip around on a bike in the evenings...instead of waiting to talk to some....someone!!!why? why?hmmm....sun is shining......lalalala.....

drove away the monday blues....

2007-04-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

"a little bit of this..a little bit of that......guide me......".....
"feeling good never cost a thing....."...awesome.....:))...

2007-04-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

am playing this song over n over n over.....:))......and am smiling away stupidly....am already in my
very own weekend ...on my very own vacation ..right here at work......(..oh...n i definitely would not
mind getting silly now.....but i know i just won't ....can't).....and it rained ....and the wind did a
world of good....i wish i could go bking now....:)....someone says chuck the call.....who cares....lets
go...have ice cream and gappafy.....heehee.....someday i will......"in certain circles....and its almost
driving me wild...."...ok...and the call made my day...heehee....adios...

mid week...

2007-04-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

wednesdays...i used o like them cos of mc beal...no..not pracice...i donno somehow i never go around to watching that...though they all claimed that was the one i oughtta be watching and not mcbeal....hmm....no..there was no midweek crisis then.....(ok..i admit..it isn't there even now...but every now n then....wednesdays have their own way of turning things for the weekend...and i hate that....)...got a new phone for myself....nope..no great features...just a radio...(which is more than enough...to get through the hoohaas of work...)....
was just thinking about what fuzzz was telling....and though i am a dimwit when it comes to technology and stuff...technology is just breaking all kinda of barriers...more so the moral ones i have a feeling.......sad but i donno what we can do to help it.....atleast i know i wouldn't till it actually affected me....i know its easily the most selfish way to look at things...but yea....its happened so many times with us "educated folks" keeping quiet and "decent" even thjugh lines of silence,violence and morality are crossed ever so often....i know sou and others are actively involved in the blank noise project and do try ever so hard to get the point across to all of us....i just have one question..i have asked it already and i do it yet again....why is it that we need to actually tell people what is morally acceptable and what is not....why would hurting someone physicall/mentally/psychologically be on the minds on anyone unless it is "unintentional"..how can hurting someone be "unintentional"....and for what joy...i don't buy the crap about anyone having any kind of imbalance.....cos it does not get me back what i have lost anyway...i'd rather they don't justify
anything......acts of bravery and cowardice all mixed up...laws of good and bad all muddled up....sense of life and death there for all ....i try to rhyme in the time of someone's grief...i try to make a deal of it and feel sick...am playing with the whole concept of masichism....but then i thought everyone did...so y not me...my head is up and working only if someone's humming....can't help it...am not even gonna try to...cos i think its beter this way...better confused...

am back...or so i thot...

2007-04-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

"and it always makes me smile........"....with the goosebumps....and no one in particular.....crazy....and
virtual...but it keeps us going.....hehe..yea.....i just realised that when i heard from the number...i only
talk to numbers nowadaya.....as long as i talk.....and i don't have to actually sart thinking...."whos gonna
tell u when its too late....whos gonna tell u things aren't so grea..."...i have come to a conclusion....i
don'tmind being insane as long it makes me happy and hurs no one...yea.....i can talk to numbers any
hour of the day r night....people ell me i am desperate....hmm...no...am not....i am just different....am
convincing myself and the world that....like someone said....am trying hard to be someone else when i am
not myself....(i donno who said that....yea like itmatters...).....last two weeks have been days when i have
thought of a zillion things i have wanted to put down here.....but haven't....cos i kinda couldn't remember
most of it when i actually tried to put them down......its going to be different now....today....ever wonder
why what we do with our lives someimes makes others sad or happy...i don't understand why it does if it
has nothing persoanl against them.....like how does it matter if someone goes bald and a little over the top
once in a while.....or if someone just lost a game......so what if twenty others were living their lives doing
whatever we didn't do....and so what if a dozzen of them planned to live their lives in the closet...or out of
it....and so what if i ranted and ranted till i was flagged off.....(i have a feeling hhat might happen bvery
soon though...).....inconsequnetial to the existence of a entire raxe....and yet am morally compelled to be
apologetic about what i write....or think...see am like everyone else..i just pretend to be...try to pretend to
be different.....if i look at the previous line and the words i have used there....i know one day..(or mebbe
even the next minute...) i would cringe and think "i bet i just wrote all that just for the sake of writing
something...."....just like i should notr be bothered about other's people's reactions to anything that does
not necessarily concern them.....in other words.....practice what u preach huh....ever wonder why they
decided to put "c" for verbs and "s" for nouns...(or is it the other way around...i
donno...something...)....how did they even start to understand stuff...how did they know what the other
person was saying was actually what they understood.....i think its cos at some point both got tired of nt
understanding and hence they decided they would agree with on enother and hence they understood....is
anyone understanding what am trying to say....(...i donno...cos i myself am not.......).....hmm...now i
gotta go ...am going to trry to "make someone happy"......i wonder how alanis knows all those things that
she does...they are all so true.....(or mebbe i am convincing myself that all of them are true....)...ok...take
a break..have a kitkat.....

rah rah

2007-03-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

we used to cycle to the house with the sapota trees....yea...there were houses with that and mango trees...and the quintessential coconut trees....two on a cycle....four of us.....that was our spot...our hangout.....we used to giggle madly about irrelavent things.....totally plain stuff....:)....and yea....that was nice....we actually enjoyed the traffic then....and the rides and drives.....and the crackers....no we never played with colors....uhuh...we have never done that.....but yea...the flowerpots and the vishnu chakras and the bijlis....:)).....we never cared about child labor or pollution or road rage.....and no...we never wrote about stuff either...we only read....we read a lot of stuff......we never bothered about what was in and what was out.....or about the ration money...our aunt would just hand us her "society pass book" and let us take as many chocolates that we wanted at the start of every month......and we would always be happy with just one chocolate each....max of two....:)...we would never bother about our grades and "performance" ....we were not required to till we had to face our boards....we had to play in the evenings....had to...and we loved it....we would have our share of crushes...(... or cook them up if we wanted..:D....)and wouldn't care a hoot about acting silly about them.....we wouldn't get all flustered if we tripped or fell or rode our cycles into the gutter or into the cows...we had to write letters to friends and relatives...atleast thrice a year.....we would hardly crib.....we always thought our stories and lives were the best.......and never regretted about stuff...we would treasure secrets...and let others be....

been tagged by fuzzy

2007-03-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

i have never thrown out gum(hate to use the word 'spit'..which i have now btw)...always swallow all of them...(...and am pretty sure thats the reason for my ever expanding waistline... )

absolutely love playing cricket..(wld have gone into it professionally if not for for my other dumb plans...)

love the number four...(have my own theory behind it too...which all my close friends have alrdy rubbished and don't care about ...)

never wanted to do what i do for a living...( somehow i still believe i will walk away from all of this and start all over...and will be just fine...better in fact...)

want to be an animator...(but i have never got anything better than a D in drawing/arts/ classes...and can't draw to save my life....and i have hrd u gotta be at that first ...)

another peek....thx raysh

2007-03-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

Your Quirk Factor: 63%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

o

2007-03-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

rushed out of the workplace to the nearest music store...2 kms away.....spent more than an hour and got what i wanted......mostly whatever i wanted....this is the first time this year i spent on myself.....on my music...:)...celebrated my feminity and "our" special day by treating myself....yea...totally selfishly....unlike all the women i have known...the women of my family....ours is a family where we are the majority...in terms of age and number.....the oldest one is a lady....and the youngest one is also a beautiful lady!
the oldest one brought up her three sisters on her own after "anna" passed away..."ammamma" was the sheet anchor then...she looked after all the four....and the eldest one looked after her...we have had women in our family giving up "marriage" for the sake of their families....their mothers and sisters
and brothers....yea....and now when i think of my audacity as i sometimes retort at them asking why they can't let me be when they enjoyed the "freedom"....i feel ashamed and out of place.....but yea..its me...and i know i would never do what any of the lovely ladies i know did...i was actually encouraged to pursue self-defence classes rather than the classical music and dance saga (... i think somewhere they knoew a day would come when i would try singing to whitney scare the hell out of the street dogs (which btw is a good thing to do nowadays here).....hmm....yea...and dancing..hehe....i observed last sunday that my slipper wears off on one side.....so...if thats like a sign of anything....oh and after my "wet gown" dance.....the stage thing....naah......)..... and like someone pointed out in their blog today..its sad that increasing number of women learn martial arts cos of the other gender.....and their biases.....i got into it cos i was fat...heehee....i did ...and i did not want to do anything except be like bruce lee.....no..not the bashing up stuff...his charisma...his intensity....(....his abs...n those eyes...)...i am not ashamed to admit my best friends are the ladies frm home....(i have heard people being branded "Losers" cos of smthg like that...)my two lovely cousins....they are my alter egos....i always wanted to be like them.....(.sadly... i picked up just their music albums...ye girls all those missing cassettes....cackle...i have them....)......my aunts...which
household is complete without them....:).....sweet ladies....the first thing they used to ask me was..."have u eaten sanything....come...eat this...eat that....".......phew... fattening me up.......a fourth of my lifetime i have spnt with them...my mas....and now...my ma n my sis....my closest friends ......and yet am still learning to be half the lady these people have been...i am terribly clumsy...almost always fail to keep up with the other ladies at any formal wear ado......their grace....and patience.....and their sheer strength...and yet am me...and ye am definitely fine being that......to all the lovely ladies out there....signing off a really lousy post on such a special day for so many of us......wishing goodness and peace and happiness all around......and ye...to the men of our house....thay have let us be......as it should always be.....and we love u guys....(oh...but we hate u when u get into the pompous...."male syndrome" mode....okie...peace).... before i forget....my buddies from school,college and varsities...oh and the workplace...girls......have fun.....u know u hav all pretty much made up for anything i missed out at home....

courtesy fuzzy!

2007-03-01T03:06:00.000-08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

soundbite...

2007-02-27T03:59:00.000-08:00

okie..have to admit...i have managed to finally kill someone....:(....did not mean to...but it just happened....yea...now there will be no soul asylum crooning away for me....no ma yelling away...asking me stop the cacophony....she actually uses that word when i play "my" music.......hmph...yea...time to get new stuff...high time...especially after the monday passed with a. an unncessary brawl right in front of the "office" b. unironed boring outfits....they have now become an all-season thing....i think they have seen almost all of my work-days......through thick and thin...literally c.a mop that deperately needs a chnage.....d. a broken set of "outside-wear" glasses......"do u look in the mirror....do u tell lies and see that its forever....."....wasn't one of those people who would have more than one pair of eye-wear...uhuh....until i became a "professional"....(i preefer saying "gettig used to glorified crap "....)....y do we do that anyways...hoard stuff we wld not use more than one at a time.....i donno.....ok i understand stocking up food...n essentials...but these things....i donno....and some feng-shui fella wld come and tell me next weekend "it eez the yin....the balance betweeen yin and yang is a leetil off thee trak...beeware....".....ye ye........n that freaking horoscope told me i was goin to have a wonderfool,calm monday!!
dadala......two clocks on the wall
am waiting for all of this to come down
but they won't till th big fall
ye..this sucks cos i wrote on my own....
am so gone gone gone.
Ate watermelon today....from a roadside push cart....ever wonder stuff from the roadside always tastes better...is more fulfilling than that in fancy big places?....they r cheaper for one.....two they remind me that if the pushcart guy can make a living and make people happy doing what he/she does.....so can I!! yess....i will buy a push cart and....umm...sell /cook nice...simple stuff ...n be happy!! that way am earning as well as living a life!! yippeeeee......"alrigh..alrigh.. everything's gonna be alrighh......"......hmm...yea ok....sorry....got to get back to my "pseudo-professionalism"....later...

the fourth peppermint....

2007-02-22T05:29:00.000-08:00

last friday was a nice "work" day.... i did something absolutely inconsequential to the rest of the world and ...even me...but it just made me glad cos i could do it......and thenthe evry next day....i realised that come what may ,i can never be a teacher.....not even teach smthg which i do for a living!! hmm...sad...but yea.....
Another wedding attended over the weekend...people i know are either getting married or going outisde the country...(..either ways..i guess they are in another state.... a state they would not be in usually...:)...(ok...bad one...i
agree...but somehow i kinda found it funny when i thot of it...)....)...(..when i do the parentheseis stuff....i am reminded of college....donno why...)..... i remember yday at the wedding....all parents wanted everyon else to know their kin....why do they always do that?? hmm...i donno....and just when we think we can have a nice little chat
with the bride before the marathon posing and smiling session....click...click...."..smile please....no...act natural..."... "act" "natural"?? hmm...."life or something like it" they said....yea....so true...was chatting up with a friend of mine today....and was trying hard not to burst out laughing at the workplace....it was all silent and yea..it was kinda sleepy before the adorable freak came online....:)....sometimes i wonder what it is that makes us be someone just cos it is said we oughtta be that way....and we term ourselves and others "freaks"...mebbe its cos we can't be like them.....or mebbe its cos we haven't looked outside ourselves.....hmm...what am i tryin to say..u ask huh....nothing....forget it......
i watched "imagine u n me" sometime back....and i actually was ok with it...it did not hit me hard or make me
say..."ahemm...umm...i will get the chips..."....(...ok..do admit the ending was a little bit too umm...cliche`d...but then....isn't it always.....)....and then was thinking.."..does that just happen ...all on its own...or do they make it happen cos something else did not happen...".....i donno...but if i ever asked or even told someone about it ....they would cringe.....i know...have seen that happen......."am a dreamer....".......

alone...

2007-02-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

lot of stuff happened today....yea...significance just lost its significance as well....yea...it did...oh just
received this mesaage which said.."when everything comes ur way...u r probably going in the worng
way.."...hmm...right...apt for me...mebbe even the reverse is apt...woke up in the morning...and while
reading the paper...i read 3 of them...same news...same views...i understood or rather chose to do so each
time differently....now i remember these....-- some it honcho got arrested for trafficking.....hmm....first
paper i read it in....i thought......."woho....another blemish for the industry...tsk tsk..".....second
time....."..hmm...must have been a big guy..".....third time..."....so what....why are they making such a
big deal....i thought that was sppsd to happen to anyone who does anything "illegal"....anyway...who
cares....".....----roses galore...valentine's day....new twist...anti-valentine now....first time..."hmph....what
all do people do..."....second time...."why r they making such a big deal out of evthg nowadays?!?".....third
time..."..hmmm.....whatever......who cares"......oh and before u start thinking am doing a ctrl-c ctrl-v.....i
donno...my thought-process must have actually done that.....i did not intend to....----two indian cos sold
out,...taken over...first time..."che,after all the hard work....something that was actually "ours" and
"nice"....."...second time..."now..everyne will start taking over "our nice " stuff......:(....."...third
time...."hmm...what difference is it gonna make to me anyways......nothing....i would never do anything
like that.....maybe i wouldn't even start something if i had to give it away to someone after all the
effort..."....hmm...later as i left for "work"...."uff...another day of abslute meaninglessness.....y do i need
to do this....y???? hmm....mebbe like sou said...i am in the linkin park stage of my life....atleast that 's
reassuaring... ".....i didn't quite enjoy my ride to work.....and yes i did not enjoy work either......no...i did
not ...not today....---infants married to dogs...reson...the kids had the upper teeth coming up first.....and
the curse said..they would be eaten..(or something) by a lion(or tiger...something...).....first and last
reaction..."i do not believe this...where do these "people" even come from????and y am i not doing
anything about it....."....and as always..."...mebbe "am" not meant to "save the world ".....so...yea..."...i am back from an all important "meeting"......and first thng i felt like doing was...open a notepad and
...this.....hmmm....i have this techie thing in front tof me...and yea...call it votevr...am yet again
thinking...no forced to think..."living life inside a bubble........before my head expldes..."....for a momnet i
smiled when i read sou's post about her listening to the same....i was just happy for all of us....and
......yea.....now am back...back to analyse ....introspect...did someone say....whatver...psycho analyse
stuff...which is totally unnecessary in my way of exitence.....last night ma said..."...do something
differeent...like learn to play a musical instrument......u have to learn to focus in
life".....hmmmm......ok....for now..its my tummy thats making music.....and am leaving....sometimes i
think....i think that i do all this cos i donno what else to do......and am sure that its so true.....

zilch...

2007-02-06T04:26:00.000-08:00

"here comes the rain again.......raining in my head like a memory..."...been quite some time
since i heard this....its really.....theatrical now...the way i go silent....tilt my head to a side and
smile away....like i know something......so pre-planned...yea....U know...(someone once scolded me..(...i am tempted to use "reprimanded" here but i
won't...)...never start a sentence with that...hmm..."someone"...sorry used it....)...when i
was...umm...not as old as i am....i used to do the same-blahblah...but on paper...ofcourse we all
started off that way....right...(...yea,arn't we glad am like the rest of u....)... yea...used to do
that...at pretty irregular intervals....and one day i found myself having come up with something
nice....that was my masterpiece...well...thats what i thought till a few years later when this
"sensation" ..this teen diva popped up.....(...pun intended...)...and did so on literally every damn
music channel i used to watch....now what actually hit me was that the whole "theme" behind my
"masterpiece" was the thing the girl was crooning about....hmm....now i could not admit to
myself that we both "thought" the same way....(or did we....cos it was years later that i realised
that the kid did not actually pen her stuff...atleast the one that chopped the budding poet right at
its ....umm...stem? id noo...wasn't really good at botany...)......anyways...all's well that ends
well...the pop princess did a lot of other things after that...and so did i...she did a lot more that i
did not......anyways....a few more years later(..after the masterpiece was written and everything...).....i was into one
particular track....(...it shares its name with a very famous one from one of the other better
artistes.....)...and swore by it day and night....till the tape went bad.....and my roomie went
mad.....(yea...they rhyme.....n now u can very well imagine what all went into those
pages...)....and eventually it was my turn to finally watch the "video" of that track....now mind
u...at that point...music videos were something new...at least in our place....we were rarely
allowed to watch them......not only did .parents pooh-pooh such forms of entertainment......we
ourselves had this holier-than-hell .....(it was...the guilty pleasures...or so i felt...) attitude while
"watching" them in the parents' absence.....with the "sound-on-game-on-no-picture" feature of
the telly being promptly used.....yea....anyways...point is...i did manage to watch the video and
get the whole picture...and it didn't quite please my sensibilities....(at that point...not much did i
must admit...and now...its just a case of ignorance and apathy....so...)....Bottom line........i had something in common...with someone or atleast the idea of someone
whom i did not particularly want to have anything in common....and i did not quite have anything
in common with something i wanted to be associated with.....hmm...and now...i have something
in common to both of them...(....i bored myself to ignorance and apathy after being hooked to
them and others....and i truly believed that it was cos of them that i ended up the way i
am....)..and now....its "ME" whos doing it all over again...the second innings of my life....and i
don't need anyone to drive me to such insane boredom....nice....am truly getting
"independent".....hmm....am tempted not to post this....but i know i will....its all part of the play...and this is my part....oh and last night i watched this movie....which reminded me how previleged i am...and the
"duties" that am failing to keep up.....was inspired enough till morning.....but then i woke
up....same old me.....too lazy to allow myself to be "inspired" and act......am just inspired to
"act"....play the moron in my life's play.....yea...thats enough for now....

aiyyn....

2007-01-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

watching a movie last week made me realise something...something about
myself and others...no...maybe not about others...about myself....and sou's
post made me realise another thing....yea...that she's good...other than that....significance of reactions and actions...physics....oh btw , i have a
feeling they are trying to get rid of all of us...and that they are doing by
setting on the ac at a ridiculously low temp.....ok...is it cos they want me to
leave to the other side of the world or another part of the country or
whatever....if so,i wish the message would be conveyed in a better manner
....not by freezing my brains out...hmm..yea...so...physics...more of it has
got to do with...wow...i like this font....for one..my handwriting would never
be like this...uhuh...never...".anyway...just wanna say...its not my style to
think about yesterday...." ...yea..i tweaked it here and there...who
cares....today i thought of doing something...suddenly i was caught in this
obsession of getting filthy rich in superfast time....lemme tell u...this is the first time i have come across this phase....yea....and man...did my mind
race....i was conjuring up all kinds of possible ways to strike gold and to do it
fast....for one...i had to bloody get outta the loo to get things get going....and
that...umm....took quite some time....at the end of which...i had one just
thing to think about....get to work before 11 or ur app goes for a toss....now i
know and u now and almost everyone knows it doesn't work that way...who
in their sane mind would give someone a "good rating" just cos they were
"punctual" to work...no not to work...to the "office"...somehow i hate that
word.."office"...what office...hmph....its a freaking circus show..this whole
thing is..for god's sake....well it oughtta be...for one....am actually cooped up
in here playing around with "fonts"....aaaghh...can it get any more banal
than this....can it get any blase`....whatever....anyways...back to what i
was saying..yea..the brainwave... first and the most obvious one...a rigorous job-hopping session....quote the
current one and get a higher one....hop...quote the higher one and get an
even-higher one....hop....quote....get...hop....get a heart attack and phhst...gone.....naah...not for me.....two hops are enough..... next....and this has always been my pet hate...."threaten" the current ones
that u r gonna hop....and they start offering the goodies.....some
travel....come back....throw some weight...(somehow..i like that
phrase...)....and they might offer you a "crispier" cookie....and u r off for a longer time....in which
duration...u apparently slog....hide...cringe.....but yea...save every lousy
paisa. to only get back home and face the whole thing all over again...by
which time....u become the protagonist of ur own swades
story.....hmm...worth the moolah? i donno....call me chicken....but i
.seriously have my doubts...so...whats next...hmm....another goddamn
degreee! but of course....take up a course..."study"...."learn" stuff....learn to be
one of them....and then...same
old....demand....get....choose....refuse...accept....viola....am up by 4 rungs in a
short time....nice.....but...boring. which brought me to my fav one....totally
impractical by all wordly and sane means...probably a little plagarism
too...but then....hey....WHO CARES......hmm....yea....the last one
would be to slog here....be patient...and dumb...and do the wait-watch game for exactly another
year...and then....start something.....something reaaally small scale...the
money..u ask huh....of course from whatver is being stashed away for totally useless things like formalising "love" or votver crap ppl call it....and that
hidden away for "future use...investments".....crap.....i nver understood the
point of holding something close and giving it warmth...esp when its not a
living thing.....oh the catch is u gotta do all this while u are in ur present
position...u see...moonlighting..hehehehe...yeaa....i like
it....hmm.....thinking of all this now makes me hungry....somehow...right
now all i wanna do is eat....i want to have ice-cream now....the really garish
looking ones....ones with the err....non-flavour names......yea....i will just
settle for a walk in the sun and one of those for now.....i might get some
better ideas....

down n out

2007-01-25T03:03:00.000-08:00

ok...am actually listeninig to spears....helpppp!!!!hmm...am becoming one of them....yea...i am...i
keep b**$%^@!g about people i don't even care about....i don't know why but i do...and no..it
doesn't mean i actually even care if they exist or not...(with all due or undue respct to them...)...i
just don't...but lately my world has been revolving around other people's business....yea...which
also happens to be my business as well..but seriously...i don't like it...naah...."and i say
hoohoohoo...do u....surprise,surprise...."gimme one good reason why am doing this...somebody
please tell me....hmmmm....its all the same and yet its not...i don't want to rhyme but its all i can
think of now...its all i can make sense of....i don't even know why anymore...i don't care if i
change my wants and needs by the seconds....i just do not get it...am sorry ..i don't...i don't want
to even try anymore ....yea...i know someone asked me to do that...i know...laughter.....hmm....crooning...and fonts.... unrelated yet related in the same sense...they do not make sense....no...i don't ....i wonder why its like this... is it cos its all pretemse...u know it is...i know it is....we all know...then y do we even try with all this....???

and he sang.."waiting for the world to change..."yea....yea...i hide...but then i don't even know whats real...no..am not making this up...but i know its all made up..this whole thiing is...no..its not the ac...its not the song...its not...no...but i know....its all a big lie...i know...:((((...ever felt like u do not belong anywhere anymore?

~~

2007-01-10T05:12:00.000-08:00

seeing these make me cringe for who i am...and what these are....what are these....they are stuff i would not normally observe..not that when i see them they look like this...but...yea....am me...and these are....right...now i know why they are called "heavenly bodies"....hmm...

dadambidumdum

2007-01-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

ahemm....:)...so...mid week...and another "prod move" gone awry...hmmm...so what....modern talking don't seem to mind...neither does that kid...yes..the one i m ran into last night...yess...am glad i did that..to hell with the moolah..whats the use if i don't get to splurge it,ha!hmm...so a close friend of mine said yday how her close friend got a certain vibe from her...hmm...well...ss..if u reading this...thot i would say...again...u definitely don't wanna be where u don't want to be...yep...neither do i...so...hmm...but u know seriosly i think the orientation has to do with more of the situation than anything else...i mean..i don't understand how we could just find one thing our type...i thought it was all about variety and spice and all that crap...ok..i don't mean to offend anyone...(not that i really care if i did anyway...)...but i think the only way to understand this whole journey..hmm...spice it up...no..actually the way to do it is to explore the unknown...u know i wonder y i do this sometimes...its like the split personality syndrome...amazing huh...uhuh...its not...its irritating and plain freaky sometimes and actually silly the rest of the time....the e-jekyl-pocahonthas act...(okie...just picked out whatever names came to my mind..so...yea..whatever..)..."before my head explodes and head starts to spin....inside a bubble...we've been living life inside a bubble....".....how apt is that....jeez...freaakkyy man!!!!hmm...yea...another day gone ...am just discovering different ways to justify my existence now...i am...and i do not care what anyone says or does or thinks .....hmm...somebody called me a hummer the other day...ha...yea rt....actually yea...remember the silly game we used to play when we were....actually sane and wise....the counting game... ////.....we stopped that didn't
we...ha and they said "everybody needs to leave somebody on..." or smthg like that...:)...yea...."so i look in ur direction...but u payin no attention to me..."...we stopped that cos it was too ...good..yea...i wonder if i did that with the things i thought or wrote....how many notches i wld come up with...the count...ha...and it goes on...."final chance of gettin...."...parody...nice word...i am gonna look it up...yea i don't think i know what it means...paradoxical.. parody....that one...association...hmm...someone once told me the key to enlightenment is good association....:D... ok..nobody told me...i told myself...or did i hear that from someone....hmm...whatever...i said it now...so there....
i was sppsd to meet someone today....am here just sitting and blahblahing away.....good for that someone....the yellow thing just smiles at me....the eclipse just stares at me...meow....meow....hey the other day i heard this and i was actually forced into imagining a human baby....ok...i did not write that....so just forget it...yea....i always wondered how there could be so many "jobs" for all people in the world...ok..not all...but for all those who are "working" or doing whatever they are doing for a living....supply and demand..someone told me...a vicious cycle...if u ask me...it never ends does it... ."to something beautiful...."....."jingjingjmgjimg... dingdingding... i jumped the cross for u..oh what a thing to do..." ha...nice.."i drew a line...i drew a line for u....."...so true...we all do that....for the cycle...we all want to be in it.... and then one day,just like that....over..... "shine for u....uuu...."....i tried the translation tool yesterday...it was nice, though not accurate...could get the jist of things...so...yea....something new.... nananan........if i ever went deaf...if i ever did...i would sing to myself and to all the silent ones....silent when we hear....tintantin..tintantin....hello....key it when u need to..cos am tryin to string in beats without much ado...picking up tunes from here and there....wondering where it is am heading...is it there.... nope...and all they said was its what we all do..."never meant to cause trouble....iii..."...i did....and they knew from the moment i was "me"....we all knew...the closet...yea...am gonna put me in there....with the ball and racket....i am....jolly good time we are gonna have....with shades of purple and meave...no mauve....spelling bee it is.... mistakes i make at ease....no rhyme or rythm to this...all about years and deeds and grease....yea....all about that and this..... hypnotic...thats what it is....no psychology here....no philosophy either...we all come back to the same...the bubble...the cycle....of all this....yea.... "can anybody stop this thing....before my head explodes...".......

2007-01-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

so,what is it xactly that am doing here?i want to know that..but how...all around me are "intellectuals"..i want to be near the table...where i can serve them coffee...ok...please when i say coffee i mean the one we drink, not anything else...so...quarter more of an year to go before i complete two and a half decades here...am still the same...not that am complaining but is there anything more to it,i wonder now..."freeee..is all u gotta be..dream dreams no-one else can see.." and it seems more and more that my sanity lies in the my headphones...or speakers...how could i possibly make sense of it...i am still wondering....somebody...or anybody care to tell me....no...maybe am better this way....but what happens in the long run...what long run i can hear myself asking...i read somewhere that optimists live longer...hmm....so...am i not an optimist....am not any "-mist"...am just me...and am beginnning to freak myself out....so much for the new start huh....do u realise am sitting here listening to the static...the empty tape running....am "reading" now.....feeling is called being panzy...no..i need to getsome chiclit...yep....

phisshh

2007-01-01T01:01:00.000-08:00

so...new year is here and i started it off by officially declaring my status..."am me,so let me be..."...rejected yet another invitation to a corporate lunch...hmmm....so much for the new year resolution of taking chances...doing new stuff...looks like somebody just took it to the regreesive level instead of progressive...hmmm...whatever...so..that
happened just now...am still hiding in here...have this..."holier-than-thou-be -damned" garb on...with a twist...its degrees of severity vary and so do the reactions...but then...who cares hehe....right...spoke to someone today...no..not that someone..this is another someone...:)..yea..too many someones all around... and yea..it was like...the routine.....no sparks.....i have a feeling there will never be any sparks with any of the someones i know....in a way...good for me huh!!hehe..yea...lets see who the joke is on...hmm...friends all over...naah...so..this is "D day" huh...nothing different...oh but last night was good...esp...the character of meredith...heehee..cute and definitely mm...oh like i said before...reactions be dogonned...whats the most that could happen..i could be termed
"anti-whatever"...ha...like i care!!i believe i am gonna be making a trip...i wonder if they meant it in the senese of
spiritiual or physical...cos like they said, am definitely on one here...an ego trip...well and truly bang in the middle of it...
so..anyway..watched this other movie...something abt a "handsome 23 yr old" falling for a gorgeous 37 yr old....and mm..do they rock...and how...but the best part was not them doing all that stuff...it was infact the kid's (hey..am older and so he's a kid..unless i fall for one of his kind..:))...)momma...the lady's therapist and the saga she goes through..the things she hears and says...:)...nice...a little skin here n there..but hey...new year's eve...that can be warranetd right!
earlier..i was caught in this self-deprecatiion mode...am always caught in that...(somehow,i have a feeling i do that to just get started off on this...donno why .but yea..)...so...i was like that...and did something routine..but was surprised..no... actually disappointed at the reaction...see..."i" was now looking for another reaction...so much for "tit-for-tat"...(nowadays,with my "extended" vocabulary..i sometimes resist myself from using certain common words...they r right..ignorance is indeed bliss..hmm...)..so..that happened...i can still remember the look on the lady's face...but cannot fathom why...(fathom reminds me of phantom..every single time...hehe...did i just say "extended vocabulary..lol")...why would they react like that...isn't it unnatural for a "good deed" to be reciprocated that way...which affirmed the fact that expectation is what causes all this shit..(.and i would not be writing all
this now if not for that....)...hmm...a lesson learnt huh on new year's eve..nice...some ego smashed right now and a lot of it and other stuff got me under their wraps...yea....its here...have fun people with the someones and the ones.....am off for now....

new year's eve...

2006-12-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

ever wonder why most of us...naah..why i don't blog when am feeling good...actually i should be asking myself this...yep....whyyy...a la annie lennox...:)....its still the start of the evening and i got nothing to do at all...so just tuned to another of leppard's croons..whoopsie..the train of thought just broke...hehe..what an expression...all fancy...no stuff right...yep....votevr...so...so as i was saying,something about not writing when i felt nice...i was lying...i think i do that..most of the time..and yet..i am being me...heehee...oo boy...i need a break...definitely do...lenny...do nose rings really make u look good...hmmm...for starters..i have no problem who wears what...but lenny....i thot he looked good without it....well...yep...am rambling...just goin on and on... the other day...i went to this place i thought i would freak out a...and i ended ip feeling rather sorry...for everyone..we were all doing the same thing..just being...doing that and this...and something was missing...yea...that irritating tune in my head...was missing...ok..am not much of a crooner but i do like to have a tune or two up and rolling out... i wonder how its for those actual "singers" and "song-writers"....imagine u have been babbling...chanting...singing..humming..writing stuff all ur life and suddenly u just lose it...hmm..it never happens..does it...naah...we only pretend that it has happened...and we do that cos we all think we all need a break...something which never quite manage to explain...cos its so the same...we do the same things even when we take a break!! man..how routine is that...oh and when i said "we"..i meant the i,me,myself saga....cliched...yea yea... food...and stuff...all important things...no not things..important stuff...(being a little more "them"...)...i used to think we lived for that...whatever happened to the age-old theory of..live and let live...is it not sppsd to work when we do that...think about stuff which actually matter...i donno...my friend got married...good for him...and another friend is all set for it....greaat!!! but...what does that have to do with anything i have been talking about....zilch...nothing....am just telling something...just goin on...and this might well be the worst piece of writing anyone has come across...so...so..what... "my soul is crying"....oo..lenny did that..not me...so...whatever...."to find a way out of the dark..."...hehe...i actually thought i would listen to stuff people talk about and post it here...so...?i donno...i just have one question...why does it work differently...how does it work in the first place at all...i mean when u stop doin something that u have been doing...its different...why? static...and stuff...i tilt my head to a different side and apparently its all different...yet again...what is it with the way we are wired...seriosly...i probably would ask whoever did this to us ....why, why and how are we like this....just how and why???i wonder what people do when they do not fathom any of this....well..for one i don't...and i don't even try to...i just tilt my head to a different side and say to myself.."well..this is a different me..so am not gonna try n understand that"....:D...yea.....so i stopped on a site i thought i knew about..and voila..."obscene acts...access denied!!"...it blared out...tsk tsk....so now even the firewwall is gonna tell me how to feel....oh puhleez..... delirious...thats my state right now...oh and am not just popping this word in this middle of this blahblah...i seriosly think i am...and i know its definitely not cos of lenny's nose ring..."seems like am a million miles away"....yeaa...soo...everyone out there and everywhere else...bring it on..the "new" year....my motto..."lalala all th way to sunday..."..ooo..and if someone just realised they had heard it from someone else...whatever!!!

2006-12-18T04:46:00.000-08:00

i just shot a mail to our cfo...yea..i think he is that...hmm...the other day i saw the sky and it was just blue....just
that...i could not see one hint of grey or white and i was like..."am i going blind cos of the
system..."...naah...wasn't but maybe i was...i am...in so many ways...the word cliche` iteself is so clieche`d....donno
what that means to others but to me yea......it does...i came to work in the morning thinking i would just go ahead and self-destruct....then i read this piece from someone and i was actually forced to rethink...(which actually is the first step towards self-destruction...:)......)...commitment to anything...its scary...i have a gnawing feeling that its never real ...its just an "understanding" for comfort...hmmm...marx...i know ..but i like him...monday mornings and marx...ha...and sou...have to tell u...just can't help it...it just so keeps us goin...doesn't it...and when u want things to happen and they don't....hmm...introspection... we do it. we do that,don't we...sad but true....actually no its not sad..its just how it is...right now i donno what i
am doing or why am doing all this but i am... the eternal state of confusion and cluelessness...hmmm...yea...does it all really make any sense,i mean why do i even have to blog this thing...surely not for the booker....the other day i came back and read it and was surprised at my own words...cos it must not have been me when i did that...hmm...what if,we just stopped doin all this..just what if we did that?i was havung a convo with someone...i donno that person and yet at that point both of us knew each other much more than anything else...cliched...yea...but so we thought and acted...hmm...is that what it is,i thoght yesterady,why do i even bother,asked another part of me...and then i knew..it was not anything...i was just trying hard to make something out of nothing....hmm...desperation...a life...i donno...destiny...bah...that word is just too big for my ears...hmm...yea...existence of the known and the unknown,today morning i read something about us worryng about things we ought not to...and not caring about what we had to....i refused to feel anything...and yet when i hear
something...some unknown voice speaking through just words,i listen...actually listen...am i going nuts...i don't know...and worst part i don't even care...yea...ignorance and apathy....this is how it is,who we are...i donno why...am not even trying to know why...cos it is and i don't want to help it...the keyword being "want"...all about choices....matrix huh...i never tried to understand that...but i just watched it...i don't try to make sense of it...somehow i think its easier this way...taking the easy way out...

...there she goes...ther she goes again...

2006-12-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

3 more hours to go n am freezing...freezing to...ok..not
death...to boredom....oh yea...another day...asame
song...same thoughts...melodrama...funny how the mind just
plays all of it...chimes...ears ringing...ha...it was
good...i needed that fall today...early
morning...whap..thud...i fell...and it dawned on me that
life is all about....wiping the floor dry early morniing!!!hmmm...ego...major ego problems...yea...the fall...reminds
me of that....hmm..yea...child labor...they said its banned...i think they banned
noticing or actually understanding chaild
labor...hph...switching modes,moods,dos and
don'ts....hmm...whatever that means...someone i
knew...(know??)...did something totally nexpected of
their nature...(character?)...i don't
know...whatever..but yea...and that was done cos of
something totally ridiculous..or atleast thats what i
think...expectations..thats wha6t cause the
problem...yep...n if u do not expect anything...its just
the same..whatever ha[ppens...right...hmm...i
guess...cross between rock and hip
hop....hmmmm.....nice...yeayea....it goes like
booom,chicchicichak....boom! :))....the kid shdn't have
been there...yea...n i just sat...watching...and i make
drama here...:((....the same as all...n i sat the other day
doing nothing when that happened...it happened to me...n i
just sat!!two min later,i just got up n waslked off...just
like that...tried to act (rwact?) the next day...but it
wasn't the same...another day...just another day...the
song...yea...i had that ...eveyone had listened to the more
popular one...(yea...popular n hence...)...but thats my
song...i always thought..."my
song??"....whatever...filled up sheets of the same old
thing...i did..i still donno why but yea i did...just like
am filling up lines here...does it all matter...i dono why am
singing the pussycats song!!! god...whats got into
me!!!hmmmmm...aah..here's something nice...walking
away...rt...makes so much sense and yet...it
doesn't...hehe..the font makes sure...these jerks don't
see or understand what am doing...see thats called
switch...yea..inxs...

2006-11-22T04:10:00.000-08:00

rush,rush...my name and yet its not something i know
about...if only someone would tell me what all this is
about!!plz..can't not see my horoscope everyday hoping for
silly somethings..don't want to it either...its too
panzy..but...its real...i don't even know if its the
feeling am falling for or the perosn or the image of the
person...god..am so screwed up..if only i could make some
sense of it all...and all around i have people talking and
doing things...god knows why...and i don't even care why
thet do it...its just that i wonder if am missing
something...:(...the irony is that i do not weant any of
it...and i know its not what 's gonna complete my life or
votevr this whole thing is about...but i have had it...and
its just not fun anymore...nothing is...its too
melodramatic..right...hmmmmmmm...yea..right...relati
vity...someone i thought would not do something did...and
it just not funny anymore..but its not even anything
anymore...saddest part is i have over fifty...no
maybe...maybe..ten people i can tell all this to...but i
do not want to...great just what i neede...some
"clarification"...on something that does not make sense in
the remotest...:)...micheelle
branch...nice...panzy...who cares!!

ticking on...all the time..

2006-09-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

and now i know..and i still wonder why...nope..i donno why and how it works but apparently it does!!and yea,it bothers me...i wonder why it can't be kept simple...why go through so many hassles of "formalizing" the whole thing if its all about just emotion?!?hmm....and thats xclty what i would say paradox...or is it an oxymoron...(someone ends up being a moron and thats for sure..:))...)this song reminds me of things...people...emotions...actions i cannot understand even now...i hope to understand and realise what i wanted at that point...well for that m,atter i stll am looking for what it is that i want....yep..the same old rigmarole of things,feelings..people and scenes...all being played out like a play on its way to broadway...the world would be so much better if we all could just play out\r parts with as much convistion yet as much detachment as they do in plays...i guess thats what its all about...hmm...yea..maybe...
i kept asking myself..."am i ready for it.." and a part of me said.."what's there to be ready if all u have to do is feel!!" but then i feel it all the time....no..actually i feel it only when i listen to music...am i bonkers??maybe i shd have learnt music...maybe then i wouldn't feel it...when i was listenin to it..then i would have to feel it while i played it..in my head or otherwise! yea..i need a break...a break from just me...:(...
u know i wonder about the ones who ae reading this...whats goin on inside their head...r they even thinking...what r they thinkin of...me or these words or themselves and these words..or these words and the world....i wish i knew..i wish we all did...prbly then it wld have been much simpler...but then we wldn't have had as much fun..would we..:)..hmmm...well...
God Bless...oh and if the font is different...we all know y..:)..

after it happened

2006-09-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

clickity click...tone it up....tune it up...streaming as ever they do and its all the same.is it?i met hem last weekend...we had a "good time"..they said...they left...and i watched themm go away...i knew we would not do all that agin...why...well..for one...we had potographs taken...i don't like to be clicked...nope...i don't ...its like the sign of something coming to an end and something beginning....somehing that has to be captured and hence the click...crap..i can hear it...i said that myself...i read that today...not that i wanted to but i did anyways...i wonder why they left though...sacremento..does that place exist...hmph....and they say..."its nice...we should catch up more often"....ha...as good as riding the camel bac home....(well coudn't get anything better..)...its been nearly a decade since that happend...and we all go on as if it never happened...everyone knows about it...we are all too polished and too different now to talk or think about it...good for them...good for everyone....the tunes they always remind us of everything...they do...amazing how i can go on nd on about it....there are like a half a dozen people around me....funny how we think twice about things we oughta think about....turns us into "them" and "us"....it does....now i gotta just listen...and they go on saying "hey now,hey now..."
sometimes they say..u donno what u hav till u have lost it....:))...u shd have seen his expression when i said..."i would do this for anyone...nothing less,nothing more..."...and my expression when long after i was told..."there's somone...."...it hit me...all of us expect something like this to happen...but me....hmmm.....

2006-08-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

and here we have them talk about the ups and downs of all this....hmmm.........and it goes on...hmm....had a cup of plain coffee...yes
like i always do..the chilled ones,no..no cocoa in there....and ms. williams goes on crooning....and there is everyone doing
everything,talking about things...things huh....do i do this all aover again..do we all get back to the ramblings,let our creative juices
flow....i hate the phrase....why do they have to use "juices"....sic...u know i have nebver really known what that term
means.."sic"...but i interpret it as the same with a "k"...donno y they even coined it that way....acoustic i believe....and
stuff....hoobstank....am i really working....i wondr....ggo on thinking...earn the bread they say..right....the bread for what i donno...i
wouldn't knowtill i do it all....all...whats all....am drawing a blank....no...no dudes now....i guess i've had it...like aimee mann
says....yea..totally....no names to be taken my friend isaid to myself and thats he essence of a great write-up...all whispers turn into
shivers and stutters and ramblings and rantings....hmm....ultimately....yshape up huh....right...no....am gonna be pleasant and just
sit over here...they don't want me....right...we all knew that....we did...then why did we not do something about it....we donno....strum
away...the guitar and the words and the tune....the tune to all this....more than 2 months since i did this...and am here again...yet
another write-up,yet another saga...yet anothere revealation..yet another skeleton out of the closet...yet another faux pas.....hmm...tried to learn a few things today...few is an understatement...we all learn..just now it struck me that sean paul..yes am taking names
here at the cost of getting no comments...whatever....changes they say...well...and a nod is what we get for each and everything....its
all a formaility huh...yea..it is...and they say perseverance pays....it does...tunes and moods and words do all of us apart...we r all the
same otherwise...we are...we hope to be the same yet someone else...we wait for the words,the message...is it there...we ask
ourselves...we get high or low or just plain bored listening to all of it....seeing it makes a difference huh....it rained....and i couldn't
think anymore...i sppsdly got high on caffeine..hmm....high....ok....wahts in it for me..i think....and every night i think to myself its all
negative energy thats catchiong up wth me and i blame someone else...i do...is that pwerson even capabale of comprehending
whats happeneing...i wonder...am i even trying to think here i wonder...funny huh...i wonder if i am wonderng....am i me anymore....is
it all the same anymore...no there is no message in here...there is nothing anyone can take out of all this but i can go on...add a
little bit here e and there cos i must or feel that way...no i dont feel that way...i think to myself that thats how i gotta be...am i inducing
myself to something i shdn't be doing...i donno....well....u know what messes up something..actually anything infact can do it....a
song did it just now....ha...and i talk about objectvising something...yea..am wondering where they all went...vent huh...yea vent it all
away...put it all away...go let it out someone said the other day..and i listened...all kinds of stuff...they keep streaming...in and
out...they do...and do they work well...i wouldn't know that.....so...what next...i donno...am freezing up yet again...soaking it
again...does it really matter...cos i don't donno where to put it all in the end....no..no song..no tune..just
ranting...rambling.......redundancy they used to say..cut it out...it wouldn't relly make sense right..not like it would
otherwise....somethimes i wonder how everyone knows what they want to do...who they want to be....how do they know it all....and they talk about stuff....they do...and i keep wondering...how do they know all this???

am in....yet again

2006-08-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

2 min to 5 and am taptapping away at yet another keyboard...glued into yet another song...
no..i am not gonna send this to the petals or anywhere else...i just wanna write so here i am...
donno what am doing here...in this place,in this area,in this organisation,n this industry...in this city,in this country..in this world,in this universe....:...no...its not yet another saga...its just a thought,a question...i ought to have answered by now..but hadn't even thought of the question till now....wierd but so true...
as i listen to song after song...sentences after senstences...word after word...it fills me with wonder that i can actually understand this first of all...that am able to comprehend...(apparently....)...am able to objectify and subjectify all of it....right or wrong...its relative said someone and that phrase caught me....still has me going all about it....
have a lady talking to everyone but me here...and yet am sitting and tapping away ...:))...
oh and there's a nice looking person(ok all of u who know me and yet donno know me..read guy...yes...my preferances are still the same...so far....) who just caugt my eye....:)...well...its been almost 15 min...hmm...was thinking..if it takes about quarter of an hour to jot downa para of ramblings and rantings...hmm....will i be able to actually write down almost 150 sheets of the same...going on and on....hmm....maybe i should stick to writing like a 20 line write-up or something...:)..
smile away...i can hear myself tell..gaze away...think it all...say it all....anyway..its not like its gonna be on oprah!! well...almost there...:)))....a million lights lit up all for nothing...a waste...i say to myself....hmph...te lady would probably say...but then who cares at all....hey hey he is here again...yes taken as they all are....i tell u ts so true..they r either taken or full of shit....hmphh.....not that i would have done anything great but still....
hey i did not even do a thing at the party...i did not have a word with whom i wanted to and ended up detailing my life history to all others!!!hmm...and it just ended even before it even started...what a waste!! apparently...i gotta be here till god knows when...and i know by that time either they are gonna take out the previleged connection or the audio driver!!!anyways..ok...this has to be really panzy....actually listening to something that goes like"i gotta get to where u r...."!!!!ok...trying hard to keep a straight face and not act like a silly schoolgirl....the guy is nearly half a decade older than me!! hmm...there are actually like 50 odd people here...and i bet most of them are dloing what i am....rambling away...on a notepad or on a screen or into the mouthpiece of a cell or a phone or their head!!! well...we have had a couple of bigwigs being welcomed warmly to the "family".....hmm...yep...it is...now..gotta be...so gotta tune out of the soul once dinner is ready....a lot of biggies here as well...impatiently talking a walk here and there...viola..i typed a word without seeing the keyboard...yea...just one word...
hmm....and i actually was glad the lady smiled at me...hmm...we r family...ok...its too loud....but its too good...ms.jackson tops it all....there is like a 25:4 ratio of aftershaves and tampons....err...ok....u get the idea rt...i see the best looking aftershave having a chat with the lady....hmphh....i bet she is actaully ogling inside!! okie...nope....bland and too little conversation....good for me...:)....well...i got to hear the "hey..." with that cute nod of his head...today..ok...have gotta stop this...but then noone's even gonna notice this....heehee....err...question:why do a write-up when no one's watching...the lady gets to smile at all te cute ones!!!
mr.cutie aftershave is royally pissed abt something...awww....(talk about chick flick)...this could pass off for a desi version of bridgete jones...well...u know sans the activity part....ok...am not that bridgetty either...but...does it matter!!! whoopie....quarter of an hour o go before i say...."adiosss!!!"...:).....

Winds n Rocks

q&a

and its still 2011...

another year end?

@_@

and it keeps raining,like it or not...*_*

pray

still here..^_^

raining...

*-_-*

@_@

what's goin on!

hmm

*

inside out...

aham

pachaak...

:)

third quarter.

who's foolin whom..

ten-thirty..

sunday..bloody sunday...

whatever....

time-out

huh?

-O__O-

suddenly monday?

n then...-0 0-

-^-^-^-^-

kick-start....

someone's watching...:)

phew...

pempempaapaam....

gyan..

huh?

color color?

whoooosh.....

~

words

same old...

whoopsie!

suddenly sunday...

another wknd...

brrr....naah...i wish...

drove away the monday blues....

mid week...

am back...or so i thot...

rah rah

been tagged by fuzzy

another peek....thx raysh

o

courtesy fuzzy!

soundbite...

the fourth peppermint....

alone...

zilch...

aiyyn....

down n out

~~

dadambidumdum

phisshh

new year's eve...

...there she goes...ther she goes again...

ticking on...all the time..

after it happened

am in....yet again

and it keeps raining,like it or not..._

-_-